


I Loved and I Lost You

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Because I'm nice, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Peter Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, What Have I Done, tony just wants to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-12 04:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19940053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Suddenly every bad thing that had happened to him seemed like nothing. Nothing could compare to the pain he felt at this moment.





	I Loved and I Lost You

_Crap, crap, crap. No, no, no, no, NO! This isn't happening, this isn't happening._

Spider-Man was supposed to be able to save everyone. Spider-Man didn't lose, ever. 

Except, he _did_. And he lost big time. He had lost fights, but then got right back up and in the end won all the same. Not this one. This time, he didn't save everyone, and he didn't win. If only he hadn't cared so much about his homework. He could've saved her. He could've saved MJ.

Everything went to hell so quickly. He got to the alleyway just in time to see the masked man fire his gun into Michelle's chest. Spider-Man was filled with rage and he lunged at the man, not caring whether he had a gun or not. His strength and super-senses gave him the upper hand, until he pressed a button on his black, armored suit and suddenly disappeared. Spider-Man could hear the man's footsteps, and he could sense his presence, but he wasn't quick enough to catch him. Before he knew it, he was gone. 

Forgetting about the criminal for the time being, he ran over to Michelle. Everything felt so _cold_ as he cradled her nearly lifeless body in his arms. She was barely breathing; the bullet hit too close to her heart. Even though Karen had called 911 and even Tony Stark, he knew that neither the ambulance nor the billionaire would get there in time. 

"Come on, don't die yet. Just a few more minutes, please, just a few more minutes," he cried through his mask. Michelle looked up at him, her pained gaze tearing apart his heart. 

"Y-you know," she whispered, "You're a really good...hero. Heh, you did your best. Please, don't beat yourself up about it," she told him. "That guy really kicked ass." She laughed bitterly. 

"No, I can't, you can't go, please." By this point Spider-Man was crying. He didn't even care about appearing strong anymore. This was _MJ_. Not just some stranger. The girl he was in love with was dying right before his eyes and he couldn't do anything about it. 

"Why do you care?" she mumbled, her eyelids drooping. "You don't know me...I'm no one important..."

"No, no, I do know you, and don't say that. You're important, more than you could ever know, damn it. I can't lose you." Michelle still seemed confused. It was obvious she had no idea who she was really talking to. 

But she was dying. She would die without ever knowing that Peter Parker was actually Spider-Man. Maybe it was best that way. Maybe it was best kept a secret that her best friend had failed to save her. He shook his head. "To help with it," he mumbled. He grabbed the hem of his mask and tore it off his head. "MJ, it's me, it's Peter. Oh MJ I'm so sorry." 

"Glad you finally told me...even if it took my death...to make you do it." 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, I never meant for things to go this way. I'm so sorry," Peter sobbed. 

"Hey, it's okay. I was just...kidding. I knew it was you...at least had a hunch." She coughed heavily and her face twisted in pain. "I'm fine, it doesn't really hurt." Her skin seemed to go paler than it had been before, and her breathing was slow and shallow. 

"No, no, no, no, no! MJ, stay with me please."

"S-sorry..." she said in a barely audible tone. "Bye...loser." 

"I love you," Peter whispered through his tears. Michelle smiled faintly, tears coming to her eyes. 

"I love you...too." A look of fear clouded her eyes, and the last of the air in her lungs left her mouth. Peter felt his whole world come crashing down around him. Suddenly every bad thing that had happened to him seemed like nothing. Nothing could compare to the pain he felt at this moment. 

His body trembled as he let out a gut wrenching cry and buried his face in the crook of her neck. A few drops of rain fell from the sky, and soon it was pouring so hard that he couldn't distinguish the rain from his tears. 

His body felt numb. He barely comprehended it when Tony Stark showed up in his Iron Man suit and asked him repeatedly to put his mask back on. His mind didn't even register it as he pulled his mask over his head when the ambulance arrived. He didn't even know how he ended up laying on a bed in Avenger's Tower, no longer in his soaked suit. Even though he was covered in blankets, he felt... cold. 

* * *

"How's the kid doing?" Steve asked, concern lacing his voice. Tony sighed, plopping down on the couch. 

"Still in a daze. He didn't say a thing even when he was checked for injuries and undressed, and laid down on a bed. He's in shock right now." If anything, Tony could relate to that. There had been so many times where he had witnessed- no, he didn't even want to think about it. Eventually, he learned to get over the shock, but each death still cut into his heart more than he liked to admit.

"You worried about him?" Tony waved the blonde off, shaking his head. 

"No, I'm not worried, not a bit. Do I look worried? That's just sleep deprivation. No. Kid's tough, he'll be fine." 

"He's tough, but he's sensitive. I would keep an eye on him." Steve turned and walked out of the room. Tony pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a heavy sigh. 

He knew that he probably shouldn't have been trying to convince himself that the spider-ling would be okay after what just happened, but people in his life _had_ died before, and he always got back up. But then again, this death could be his breaking point. 

Tony's heart raced. Was the air suddenly thicker? He took slow deep breaths, attempting to calm himself. _Peter is fine, he's fine. He's strong, he'll be fine._ He rubbed his face and stood up. _This kid really isn't good for my mental health._

* * *

Peter groaned, eyes blinking rapidly against the bright light shining through the window. He turned over on his side, pulling the covers tightly over his shoulder. _Wait_. Covers? Bed?

Wasn't he just...

Peter was hit with a wave of extreme emotion and he pulled the blankets up to his chin and squeezed them tight in an attempt to keep himself from crying. His felt like it was going to burst through his chest at the rate it was racing, and every inch of him began to shake. _Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale._

He repeated the pattern of inhaling and exhaling until he felt a good distance away from having a panic attack. Then he say up slowly and looked around the room. After taking a quick glance around, he recognized where he was. He had spent a few nights in this room. He was in Avenger's Tower. 

He couldn't remember ever traveling to Avenger's Tower, but he figured that it had probably been Tony Stark, since he had called him before Michelle...

He couldn't even bring himself to think the word. He hugged himself. He would have to tell someone to raise the thermostat. It was freezing. 

He had an internal debate with himself about whether or not he should get up, but eventually the side of him that wanted to forever stay encased in the pile of soft covers. He felt completely empty at the moment. He knew from last experiences that that feeling would eventually fade somewhat, but for the time being, he could do nothing about it. 

Hope was a word Peter sometimes forgot. There were so many moments where he felt completely hopeless, and this was one of them. He choked back a sob and bit his lip to the point where it nearly bled. no

"I should've been able to save you," he cried quietly. "I'm so sorry, MJ. I'm so sorry."


End file.
